"That was when I carried you"

I have been so blessed with all the messages people have sent me about this blog. I am so happy that it has touched other people. I knew that there was a reason for me to write. I just didn’t know what it was. I am usually a very private person so for me write about what’s in my heart is truly an act of God :

For the past few days I been been thinking about strength…What is strength? People have told me at least a hundred times since our loss that I am a strong woman. I have strength they could never have. Me, strong...ha! Of course I don’t see anything I’ve do as having strength. Everything I have done, every emotion I have shown, every word I have written has been because of God. Should we be seen as strong when we are only doing the only thing we know will never fail us, trust in God? If I have strength it is because God has given it to me. I see it as leaning on his strength to get me through.

Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I feel that I am a mom doing what I have to do to servive. You would be surprised at what you and your family can get through when something devastating happens, of course with the help of God. So many people have told me, “God will never give you more then you can handle.” I have said this to people before and never really sat and thought about what I was saying. When I was in my doctor’s office one of my vague memories of that day was the ultrasound tech telling me this phrase. I just starred at her for a minute thinking how could you say something like this? Why would you say that? My heart had just been broken into a million pieces and I felt like if I tried to take one more breath my body would collapse. The rest of the day I thought why did she say that to me? For some reason I couldn’t get if off my mind. God has deserted me. Look what He has done to my family. A piece of my heart was missing and could never be replaced. I felt like I could die at any moment. I remember being rolled back into the room after surgery and looking into Nevaeh’s eyes. That was the point when I realize God had never left me. He was with me the whole time. I was going to be ok. My family was going to be ok. My heart was not shattered it was just hurting. Eden and Nevaeh filled it to much to be broken. We would make it all by the strength of God. At that point I feel like God changed something inside me. My heart started to heal.

Psa 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts; so I am helped, and my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.

I know what you are thinking. How can she say her heart was healing just hours after she found out she had lost her child? Don’t get me wrong. I will always have a place in my heart that I thought would never be filled but I have realize it is not a void there it is a place that will never be filled with anything but everlasting love for Halo. Of course this was not the point when I jumped up out of the bed ready to go home and get on with my life. The next few days were almost unbearable. You see I said “almost.” God is what gave me that "almost". He was the strength that carried me. I truly expenienced, “Footprints In The Sand.” I still cry when I see the ultrasound picture on the front of the refrigerator and I still get upset when Nevaeh asks me every morning where her baby is. God has given me the words to tell her that puts a smile on her face. Your baby is with Jesus waiting on you to get to Heaven so you can give it the biggest hug ever.

Psa 138:3 On the day I called, you answered me, you increased my strength of soul.

I don’t think that TIME heals all wounds. I think that God in my life heals my heartache and replaces it with joy. God has given me the strength to smile through the tears and know that one day I will see my little one again. Hey, Halo couldn’t be in better hands =0)

I love this picture.....It makes me smile....

"One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Scenes from his life flashed across the skyand he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life had flashed before him,he recalled that at the lowest and saddest times of his lifethere was only one set of footprints. Dismayed, he asked, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you'd walk with me all the way.I don't understand why, when I needed you most,you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious child.I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and sufferingwhen you saw only one set of footprints...
That was when I carried you."