The Story of Halo.....

This message is private so if you are seeing it we have added you to the private list....So this is my story. Sorry it took so long for me to write and let everyone know what has happened. I know ya’ll all know the general story but I know there are a lot of questions that you all have. Hey I would have a lot of questions if it was one of ya’ll. Just so ya’ll know I have gotten over the pain of talking about it. At first it was really hard and I started shutting people out but I soon realize that this was a struggle that I could not face by myself and I need my family and friends to help me through. I have felt so alone and then people started pouring their hearts out to me. I never realized how many friends and family member I have that has went through this same thing and I thank them for their words of wisdom and encouragement that has helped me get through this. So on with the long drawn out story……. I don’t know if I had spoke with any of ya’ll about my concerns with this pregnancy. I had a feeling something was wrong from the beginning. Everyone I did mention my concerns to thought I was just having anxiety problems as usual but Thursday my worse fear became a reality. I luckily found a babysitter at the last moment for Eden and me and Nevaeh went to Birmingham. I didn’t eat that morning because I just had this strange feeling that something was wrong. When we got to the doctors office 4 nurses tried to find the babies heartbeat but none were successful. One thought she found it but it was apparently not the baby. The head nurse came in and told me they wanted to do an ultrasound. What is so strange is that I was not surprised when then did not find the heartbeat. I think my gut instincts had somewhat prepared me for the worst because deep down I knew something was not right. We went in to the ultrasound everyone laughing and smiling. The nurses kept reassuring me that the baby might be turned toward my back and that my uterus was probably transverse. Then I saw the baby. It has all the features a baby does, arm, legs, tiny fingers. It looked like a tiny, tiny, newborn. I smiled and looked at the tech and said “it’s to late isn’t it?” I knew before she told me. All she could do was say she was sorry over and over. She said the baby had passed away at 13 week gestation, Eden’s birthday. At this point the rest of the day feels like I dream that never really happened. I actually held myself together until I made it to the Doctors personal office to wait on him to come out of surgery. Nevaeh was with me and I really didn’t want to upset her. I called my mom while I was waiting and at that point I lost it. I guess just saying the baby hadn’t made it made the reality of the situation set in. I called Dustin and told him he needed to come to the hospital. He was 2 hours away and I didn’t tell him anymore then I had to because I was scared he would drive like a crazy person. My doctor came in and sat down beside me. He hugged me, prayed with me and Nevaeh, and talked to me about him and his wife going through the same thing. I told him I knew something was not right and he told me that most people do. He said that his wife knew from the beginning. He told me that they would have to do a D & C. I don’t really know how to explain it so that might be something you can look up if you need to. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dilation_and_curettage )=0) He discussed doing it the next day and told me that if I hadn’t ate he could have done it that day. I told him I hadn’t eaten. I knew there was a reason for me not to eat I just couldn’t figure out why. Now I know it was God. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to come home to dwell on everything and then come back the next day. Most of you probably know that I can’t be put to sleep. I have something called Malignant Hyperthermia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malignant_hyperthermia ) so he discussed doing the surgery with only a spinal. I would be awake. He said he had never done one like this before but it was our only option at this point. He talked to me about how hard being awake would be on me but I knew it had to be done regardless of how I felt about it. Dustin finally got to the hospital at 11:00 they were about to take me in to a room. He stayed with me until the doctor came in to get me. I know this might sound strange but being awake during the surgery gave me somewhat of closure. Not a complete closure but an acceptance. I cried the whole time and the sweet nurse hugged me and wiped my tears she made me laugh a few time telling me stories of going to Disney world with her family. I will never forget her. She helped me so much. I was the talk of the hospital because no one had ever met anyone with MH. People kept me occupied in recovery asking me questions about it. They were amazed they had a patient awake in recovery. The doctor talked to my mom because Dustin was outside with Nevaeh. He told her I had lost an extreme amount of blood and my temperature was high so they really needed to watch me for a few hours. Mom said he told her he could not find a reason that it happened but he was going to be sending off anything he could to be tested and he would do everything in his power to get us some answers, if there were any…He is such a wonderful, sweet person. When I came back to the room he talked to me and Dustin about having more children. He said when the test come back if everything is normal he wants us to try again in a month or two if we feel ready. I think he feels like my cysts had something to do with the miscarriage because I had one rupture when I was pregnant with Nevaeh. Now that everything has been cleaned out he feel like that would be the best time for us to try. I am having a hard time with that. I was bound and determined to not have anymore kids. I can’t bear to have to go through that again. Dustin was the complete opposite. Now I know I want more kids but I want God to let us know now is the right time before I make any decisions. So we still need ya’ll prayer. I don’t want to do anything too soon but I also don’t want to miss my opportunity to have another child. Starla and Parker drove all the way from Florida to be with us which meant so much. Not because they were there for us but because they were their for Eden and Nevaeh. If you ask Eden who her favorite person in the world is she will say, "Starla, we are connected at the hip." And Nevaeh is in love with Parker so we were blessed for them to be home with the girls during this time. It made the situation alot easier for them. I also want to thank Santina and Becky for taking care of Eden while we were at the hospital. Both of their families are such a blessing to us. So the healing process beginnings. I have cried myself to sleep every night since in happened but I do feel like I have handled it well. I feel closer to my kids. Me and Dustin are closer then we have ever been. I have learned to appreciate my life for what I have and not regret what I don’t have. I have learned to celebrate the joys and the sorrows, to love with all my heart and to fight for myself will the same passion. I have learned that God will never leave me or forsake me; I have learned that he loves us unconditionally and gives us blessings in the strangest ways. I do see Halo as a blessing. I would not take back the 13 weeks I had to spend with this baby for anything. Halo has taught me to love and to grow…and has given meaning to my life and opened my eyes to the beauty I never saw in my kids and my husband. We will always celebrate Halo’s birthday as a celebration of life. One day I will be able to hold my baby in my arms for the first time. How exciting that day will be. I have learned to smile when I tell my story because I know that this all happened for a reason and God has a plan for me and my family. So I don’t want anyone to be sad for me or to feel sorry for me. I want everyone to smile and know that God is taking care of us and he has blessed us with two beautiful children and our angel baby….Halo…Please keep our family in your prayers……