Quotes I Love....

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton

"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself." ~Roseanne ....lol!

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. ~Oscar Wilde

Men who don't like girls with brains don't like girls. ~Mignon McLaughlin

It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman. ~Alexandre Dumas

Women are afraid of mice and of murder, and of very little in between. ~Mignon McLaughlin

"Just As Christ Forgave Us"

I know this blog is not going to be like my other post but I just need to get something off my chest. Sorry for the ramblings…=0)

How can people be so insensitive? Through all that we have went through the past few week you would think we had 100% support from our friends and family. Most people have been supportive and that means the world to me and Dustin. We really do appreciate it. Most people will never know how much we do appreciate it. I’m not mad at anyone . I am just hurt. Hurt that the decision me and Dustin made through this were not good enough for some people. I know I shouldn’t let stuff like this bother me but it hurts to know that someone will take something so devastating to our family and be critical about the decisions that we made. Why should someone have the right to question the decision we make for our family?
Why is it so hard to forgive?

Forgive : to give up resentment of or to cease to feel resentment against (an offender), To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon

This is one of the strongest definitions I have ever read and is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. How do you forgive someone that has hurt you so badly? How do you forgive someone that doesn’t see anything they have said or done as wrong? How do you put a smile on your face when they are around to keep peace? By the grace of God….

Ephesians 4:32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

So so hard!.....

"My Heart's Love"

"I found the one my heart loves." --Song of Solomon 3:4

"How Could I Have Know"

Brandy, a friend and family member of mine and Dustin's, sent this poem to me and I knew I needed to post it on here. Brandy is always thinking of other people and I thank her for being the sweet person that she is.

How Could I Have Known

by Tracy Chastain

How could I have known

Sitting there that dayListening to the song that the church would play

That it would be my baby they were singing about that day

How could I have known that very day

God would be preparing me for what the doc would say

Here I sit a week later and I am grieving your loss

And yet in heaven you sit, because Jesus died on the cross

I can just picture your little body

Tucked close to God I know

Holding you and loving you in His arms you’ll grow

Still I miss the dreams I held for you

I miss that I will never hear your laugh

I miss talking to you and dancing with you

And I miss singing Mr. Sun in the bath

I miss the feeling of just knowing that you were here with me

Getting bigger and stronger until one day I could see

How much hair you had on that head from the heartburn you caused me

And if you had your Daddy’s eyes, or maybe Mommy’s nose

I wanted to see your little mouth and count your 10 little toes

But those are just dreams now since to heaven you flew

But my little child I know that God is taking care of youI

can just see you dancing on those golden streets

Or swinging with my GrandmaOr running so fast you fall

But never scrape a kneebecause this is heaven after all

I wonder if you’re watching me cry over you

I bet you can’t even understand the pain

I bet the love you feel up there is so heavenly

That earthly love just seems plain

Still, I wish you could have met your sisters and your dad

They all miss you and all are so very sad

But this is not goodbye for good or even so long

This is just a holding place until we go to heaven where we belong

So I guess I have no choice but to let you go

And try to be strong

But don’t think for just a minute that my life you did not change

Just in the short time that you were here my life you rearranged

Because of you my dreams got bigger and my waist got bigger too

My eyes shone brighter, my days were lighter, and my heart just grew and grew

I thank you for your time here,

I miss you little one

I love you my baby, my daughter or my son

"That was when I carried you"

I have been so blessed with all the messages people have sent me about this blog. I am so happy that it has touched other people. I knew that there was a reason for me to write. I just didn’t know what it was. I am usually a very private person so for me write about what’s in my heart is truly an act of God :

For the past few days I been been thinking about strength…What is strength? People have told me at least a hundred times since our loss that I am a strong woman. I have strength they could never have. Me, strong...ha! Of course I don’t see anything I’ve do as having strength. Everything I have done, every emotion I have shown, every word I have written has been because of God. Should we be seen as strong when we are only doing the only thing we know will never fail us, trust in God? If I have strength it is because God has given it to me. I see it as leaning on his strength to get me through.

Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I feel that I am a mom doing what I have to do to servive. You would be surprised at what you and your family can get through when something devastating happens, of course with the help of God. So many people have told me, “God will never give you more then you can handle.” I have said this to people before and never really sat and thought about what I was saying. When I was in my doctor’s office one of my vague memories of that day was the ultrasound tech telling me this phrase. I just starred at her for a minute thinking how could you say something like this? Why would you say that? My heart had just been broken into a million pieces and I felt like if I tried to take one more breath my body would collapse. The rest of the day I thought why did she say that to me? For some reason I couldn’t get if off my mind. God has deserted me. Look what He has done to my family. A piece of my heart was missing and could never be replaced. I felt like I could die at any moment. I remember being rolled back into the room after surgery and looking into Nevaeh’s eyes. That was the point when I realize God had never left me. He was with me the whole time. I was going to be ok. My family was going to be ok. My heart was not shattered it was just hurting. Eden and Nevaeh filled it to much to be broken. We would make it all by the strength of God. At that point I feel like God changed something inside me. My heart started to heal.

Psa 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts; so I am helped, and my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.

I know what you are thinking. How can she say her heart was healing just hours after she found out she had lost her child? Don’t get me wrong. I will always have a place in my heart that I thought would never be filled but I have realize it is not a void there it is a place that will never be filled with anything but everlasting love for Halo. Of course this was not the point when I jumped up out of the bed ready to go home and get on with my life. The next few days were almost unbearable. You see I said “almost.” God is what gave me that "almost". He was the strength that carried me. I truly expenienced, “Footprints In The Sand.” I still cry when I see the ultrasound picture on the front of the refrigerator and I still get upset when Nevaeh asks me every morning where her baby is. God has given me the words to tell her that puts a smile on her face. Your baby is with Jesus waiting on you to get to Heaven so you can give it the biggest hug ever.

Psa 138:3 On the day I called, you answered me, you increased my strength of soul.

I don’t think that TIME heals all wounds. I think that God in my life heals my heartache and replaces it with joy. God has given me the strength to smile through the tears and know that one day I will see my little one again. Hey, Halo couldn’t be in better hands =0)

I love this picture.....It makes me smile....

"One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Scenes from his life flashed across the skyand he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life had flashed before him,he recalled that at the lowest and saddest times of his lifethere was only one set of footprints. Dismayed, he asked, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you'd walk with me all the way.I don't understand why, when I needed you most,you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious child.I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and sufferingwhen you saw only one set of footprints...
That was when I carried you."

Eden and Nevaeh

I know most of this blog has been about our recent loss but I just wanted to give Eden and Nevaeh a little airtime =0). I am so proud of them both and just want to share a little bit about them. I know a lot of my family is on here that lives across the country so I thought I would update everyone on the girls.

Eden Rayn

Eden turned 7 on June 10th. She is such a carbon copy of myself. It is really fun to watch her sometimes. She is such a little mother. God has blessed her with compassion like I have never seen before. She is so loving. Eden gives you her whole heart which is a blessing and a curse. Strong willed and fights for everything she wants. She has such an imagination and loves to play and spend time with her friends. She loves her Starla. They talk on the phone all the time so the 3000 miles away doesn’t matter that much. The other day we were sitting in the car and Eden said, ”Momma , I don’t know why but me and Starla are connected. She is my best.” It was so cute. It means a lot to us that Starla and Parker stay so involved in the girls lives even if they are so far away. They know how busy we are so they work extra hard to keep in touch with the girls.
Eden was in a pageant in April and she got 1st alternate and Miss Photogenic. She was so proud of herself. She said she was done with pageants, right after the pageant, because she got her 2 trophies..haha! Of course later that afternoon she was asking what color she would wear next year. =0) She is so funny. So dramatic but I love every minute of it. She is my little drama queen. Eden took hip hop dance this year and was amazing at it. I don’t know where she learned how to move like that…haha! She loves to dance. She is starting a new school this year which she is excited about it. At first she didn’t like the idea but now she has decided this is what she wants to do. Eden starts cheerleading for her old school in August. She is so ready for that to start. Not me. I am sponsoring again this year and its a lot of work. I love every minute of it but it takes a lot of patients. Eden loves to cook. She has decided she wants to be a nurse or a chef when she grows up. Haha! What ever makes her happy is fine with me. She either wants to take care of me or cook for me. Either way is fine….=0) I just pray that God gives her direction and shows her where she is suppost to be in life.

Nevaeh Skyy

Nevaeh is our little tomboy girly girl..If there is a such thing…=0) She is such a ball of fire. Two going on 15. She reminds me of Starla so much when she was little. Let’s just say we are in for it in a few years if this is the case…=0) Nevaeh loves babies and fingernail polish. She loves to dig in the dirt but only after she has her “maketuck” (makeup) on. She is so funny and makes us laugh none stop. You never know if she is going to hit you or hug you. She says her name is “Nevaeh Skyy Lynn’s Girl.” She hasn’t figured out that her name is Nevaeh Skyy and Skye Lynn is her aunt. She loves her Skye Lynn. They talk on the phone everyday. Skye spends the night with the girls once or twice a week. They are so happy when she is here. Nevaeh is as hard headed as they come but she is the first one to share whatever she has.
Nevaeh was also in a pageant in April. She screamed when she walked out. Typical Nevaeh! =0) She won most photogenic. I was so proud of her. She is such a blessing. Nevaeh left daycare in May. I thought this would be hard for her but she is so easy going. She loves being at home. As long as I am here to play and she has some baby dolls she is happy. I have decided to keep her at home this fall and spend some more time with her. She has been running around in Eden’s old cheerleading uniform. It is so cute. She wants to cheer so badly.

The girls are growing up so fast. I didn’t realize how much of their lives I had missed while I was working. I know I can never get that time back but I can spend extra time with them now. It is so excited to see them grow up together. Having a sister is an experience that I always wanted for Eden. When I found out Nevaeh was a girl I was so excited. There is nothing like having a sister. They are so different and yet so similar. It makes me smile to sit and watch them play together. They love each other so much. They don’t realize it now but they have formed a bond that will last the rest of their lives . I just want them to know how much I love them. I wish for them that they will learn to laugh their way through the hard parts of life, be happy, enjoy life, and to always keep God in their hearts.

“We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that they are someone today.”

"Love will never fail"

One of the things I have learned in this whole healing process is love. I haven't always known what love is. I knew I was loved and I loved people but I never realized it was such a powerful feeling. A feeling...I never realized it was a feeling...I always thought of it as more of an action but I have now realized that loving someone is simply about loving and supporting them in everything they do. Giving them the feeling of unconditional encouragement even when it is not asked for, a feeling of an embrace even when they are not around. I hope that my children feel this love from me. There are so many people that I have truly feel close to through out my life but there are only a few that I feel truly connected to. These are the people that I love.

My children are at the top of that list. I love them with every ounce of my soul, every fiber of my being, and every part of my heart. Just to think that I could never love my children as much as God loves us, is truly amazing. He gave his son to die for us. This is something I could never do. It is truly humbling when you think of it like that.

I have learned to appreciate my children for who they are and not what they do. Eden can cheer with the best of best and I would be proud don't get me wrong. I would be ecstatic =0) but why do so many people define their children by what they do and how well they do? I think losing a child brings this stuff in more of a prospective. If Eden never cheers another day in her life I will be just as happy with her. If she doesn't make straight A's then I won't flip out. I have a child that will never experience life and this brings the trivial things that people get upset over into prospective. I love my children no matter what they want to do in life and I will support them no matter what decision they make. I will always remember that they are both been given the chance to live life and I want them to live it with a smile on their face.

After all that has happened I look at my children in a different light. I don't think I could love them more then I did before but I know that I love them differently now. Without expectations, without limitations. The one thing in life that I know will never fail my children is my love.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud
or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will never fail....." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8